In a chat with mi amigo Jeremy Sapienza, we were ranting over expressions we hate, and also hickisms.
For example: people who say ICKsetera or exetera, for et cetera.
My mom says, instead of “This morning,” “tuh-smornin'”. Where I come from, they call a water hose a “hose pipe”, a wash cloth is a “rag”, and a closet is a “locker”. And going grocery shopping is called “makin’ groceries”, as in, I was out makin’ groceries. And Bill Clinton just “caught a heart attack”–you know, like you catch a cold, you can catch a heart attack.
The only improvement we Southrons made to the language is “y’all.” Much better than you’ns or yous, or even “you” for plural.
However, most people are too stupid to spell it right, they spell it “ya’ll”. No comprehension of what the apostrophe is really for. Speaking of contractions–there was a great hamburger place in Baton Rouge, but the way they spelled their name bugged me: The Ground Pat’i. I’m like you dumb idiots. The ‘ is meant to replace missing stuff, like in can’t it replaces “no” and in y’all it replaces ou. What does it replace in “Pat’i”? the letter “t”?? Idiots. Morons.
Another pet peeve is using an apostrophe for plural, as in cat’s when you mean cats. Or, even worse: it’s for its. A sign of utter stupidity and illiteracy.
A friend recently saw something on my blog, and he said, “Isn’t the blog wonderful?” Uhhh, “the blog”? as if it’s the Internet. As if there is one big “blog” out there that my blog sits on or something. I’m like, let the professionals use the tech talk, dude. Don’t try it on your own.
This guy I know keeps talking about Iraqians. Uhhh, Iraqis, you mean? As Jeremy says, “he needs to be sausage. call Sweeney Todd.” Which means, stupid people are more valuable as sausage; Sweeney Todd is a reference to a play where this guy who returns to London from the Aussie penal colony he cuts the throats of all the people who crossed him decades back, and sends them down to the pie maker downstairs who makes mincemeat and sausage out of them.
Another one that irks me is these stupid over-the-top I’m proud to be a New Yawk Eye-tie types who refer to pizza as “pie”. Look, pie is fricking lemon or chocolage pie, you know, dessert, not pizza. And the sing-song term pizza-pie is even worse, makes you sound like a silly Italian. Stupid New Yorker Italian pizza maker types. Pie means apple. Like I’m gonna call “Pie Hut” for delivery. Domino’s Pies Delivers. Gag me.
And I hate it when people refer to soft drinks as “sodas”. Or worse, “pop”. It’s a soft drink, man! And these stupid yankees who say that Southerners refer generically to all soft drinks as “Coke”–I’m from Louisiana and don’t recall ever once hearing someone do that. Anyway–hi, I’ll have a sodee-pop? What are we, in the friggin’ ’50s? Hi, I’m a soda-jerk!
Speaking of jerk–that’s anoher one: the stupid name “Jerk Chicken”. Give me a break. I knoq, I know, Jeremy tells me, “but that’s the name!” Well I dont like it. Jeremy says, “it’ Jamaican dumbass!” I say, no excuse! “Jerk” chicken. Harumph! How about Choke Chicken? Or Jolt Cola (oops). If you can have jerk chicken, why not shake trout, or whiplash pig. Or vibrate duck.
And i hate the word “condom”. When I grew up, it was RUBBER.
All this stupid Dilbert lingo drives me nuts. Stupid buzzwords. Like, “Well, to look at this more closely, let’s copter down to the blueprint level”. Also: “Mission critical”. Anyone who uses buzzwords is in a low level job.
I hate that accent of Kerry when he said “in a fashion reminiscent of Genghis Khan,” sounded like Thurston Howell the III. What’s up with people who name their kids after themselves? I mean get over yourself. Jesus.
It’s kind of funny how people call J.C. Penney “Jacque Puh-NAY”. Target is called Tarzhay. Or Neiman Marcus Needless Markup.
My wife likes HGTV but why do they always have a stupidly low budget on this fix-up design shows. Like, remodel the family room for $750! “We can make a lampshade for $2! All you need is some beeswax and old newspaper!” Wooooo.
Back on lingo–the illiterates where I grew up also say “come” instead of “came,” as in “Yestiddy he come over to the house.” And they say “cain’t” instead of “can’t”. “Ah cain’t hep it, Steph.” And they say “Aint” for Aunt. Mah aint betsy. It’s better than the New England way of saying Ahhhhnt. But I was raised with Aint Janice and Aint Myrtle etc.
Now what they really need to do is standardize the informal term for grandmother and grandfather. It’s too diverse. There is mammy, pappy, meemaw, Maw Maw, Ma Ma, Granma, Grammy. Me, I prefer Maw Maw and Paw Paw, me. (Another Coonass-ism from South Louisiana is repeat “me” at the end of a sentence, as in, “I’m gonna get me some crawfish, me.”) And if you need to distinguish, the first name of the husband, or something like that. For example, my grandparents were Bill and Pep Rodgers, and Pete and Theda Kinsella. So we called them, natrally, Maw Maw Bill and Paw Paw Bill… and… Maw Maw Kin and Paw Paw Kin. See, in Louisiana you call adults by their first name, but with Mr. or Mrs. So my neighbor quite literally was Mr. Ed and Mrs. Mary Jo. I still call him Mr. Ed when I see him. Except they say “Miss” for Mrs. so my mother in law is Miss Sue. No one sais “mizz-rizz” or “misses” for Mrs. They say “Miss”.
A guy just emailed in a list I’m on: “There is no cut-and-dry way to determine this…” Uhhh cut and DRIED maybe? People are so STUPID. Same dumbasses say “ice tea”. WTF is ice tea? Tea made from ice?It’s ICED TEA, MORON.
CODA: Jesse Ogden has a funny take (2) on this. Yes, I admit it, I’m a language nazi! My way or the highway, pal! While I might have seemingly arbitrary exceptions for some deviations from standard rules, by and large my exceptions are based on an aversion to deviations from (a) yankees (“pop”); (b) fops and other pretentious types (“ahhhnt” or “at university”); or (c) where the expression is just goofy (quoting Mr. Dooley; hey, presto!; willy-nilly).