Funny Twitter feed: Sh*t My Dad Says

This is hilarious. A sampling:

1. “You need to flush the toilet more than once…No, YOU, YOU specifically need to. You know what, use a different toilet. This is my toilet.”about 23 hours ago from web
2. “Don’t touch the bacon, it’s not done yet. You let me handle the bacon, and i’ll let you handle..what ever it is you do. I guess nothing.”11:15 AM Aug 22nd from web
3. “Your mother made a batch of meatballs last night. Some are for you, some are for me, but more are for me. Remember that. More. Me.”8:57 AM Aug 21st from web
4. “Your brother brought his baby over this morning. He told me it could stand. It couldn’t stand for shit. Just sat there. Big let down.”9:35 AM Aug 20th from web
5. “Love this Mrs. Dash. The bitch can make spices… Jesus, Joni (my mom) it’s a joke. I was making a joke! Mrs. Dash isn’t even real dammit!”9:28 AM Aug 19th from web
6. “The dog is not bored, it’s a fucking dog. It’s not like he’s waiting for me to give him a fucking rubix cube. He’s a god damned dog.”10:43 AM Aug 18th from web
7. “They serve Jim Beam on airplanes. Tastes like piss. You wouldn’t be able to tell the difference, because you drink shit. I don’t.”9:23 AM Aug 17th from web
8. “My flight lands at 9:30 on Sunday…You want to watch what? What the fuck is mad men? I’m a mad man if you don’t pick me the hell up.”2:42 PM Aug 15th from web
9. “It’s watering plants, Justin. You just take a God damned hose and you put it over the plant. You don’t even pay rent, just do it. Shit.”9:56 AM Aug 14th from web
10. (left on answering machine) “Hello? Hello? It’s Sam. Anyone there? Nobody checks this god damned thing. HELLO?! HELLO?! Screw it.”8:46 AM Aug 12th from web
11. “Tennessee is nice. The first time I vomited was in tennessee, I think.”10:22 AM Aug 11th from web
12. If your brother comes by, tell him I’m on vacation. I already told him that, but who knows with that guy. Are you listening to me? Fuck.9:51 AM Aug 11th from web
13. Why would i want to check a voicemail on my cell phone? People want to talk to me, call again. If i want to talk to you, I’ll answer.9:33 AM Aug 7th from web
14. “Jesus it’s hot in here? Right? No? It’s fucking hot, you people looking at me like i’m crazy. You’re crazy.”9:41 AM Aug 6th from web
15. “When I used to live in Los Angeles, I used to step in human feces a lot.”9:13 AM Aug 5th from web
16. “The dog is an outside dog. You want an inside dog, you go get your own inside.”9:59 AM Aug 4th from web
17. “I didn’t live to be 73 years old so I could eat kale. Don’t fix me your breakfast and pretend you’re fixing mine.”11:24 AM Aug 3rd from web